Bright sunny day today felt like everything I needed and more…seemed to have let my entire life plan slip but the more I think about it, the better I feel. The only plan i have left now is to empty my shelves and raise enough money to buy that ticket to nowhere. Nowhere’s a wonderful place in between all other destinations—the strange thing is that, in my twenties, I feel quite settled. The comfort of a routine, the constant pull of home and the monotony of my routine has dulled all my senses. I feel like I’m 5o already and I’m rarely excited. Sad, right? There isn’t anything redeeming about my current feeling and sheesh, looking at my resume awhile ago made me think, “gee, is she wasting her time or what?” And do I really want to be an academic? Do I really want to write academic papers and teach all my life? —-If anything I just hate feeling like I’ve wasted time and resources. I want to bring home the diploma so my parents won’t stress over the year spent in school. I want to make them feel like they’ve invested in something worthwhile but to be honest, I don’t feel like I learned as much. I’m just happy to have met the people I went to class with and I’m incredibly grateful to have had such a wonderful set of profs (like Bobby and Sir Millard.) Other than that, well, I’m worried about breaking my boss’s heart. How do I tell her that I love her for giving me all the chances in the world and placing me in a list of faculty she plans to send to Europe? In the same breath, how do I tell her that I don’t want to go to Europe to be in a classroom?
How do I explain myself to everyone? Do I even have to?
A week ago I told mom that work was worth it because I get to save in order to do things I really want to do. She asked me what I meant and when I said I really, really want to travel she frowned and said something along the lines of: that’s not really a dream or if it is, it shouldn’t be yours. The day after that, in the car, the dj was greeting teachers and telling them that they were heroes. I wasn’t really paying attention until dad called out to me and said, “Anak, hindi ikaw yan.” (Child, that isn’t you.) He laughed out loud while I held back the tears, looking out into the perfect calm of the city on Sundays.
I’ve never been so sad and itchy for life to begin. I think it’s time to finally get going. We aren’t getting any younger and the more I stay, the less excited I get about the future. –Now how do I do this? Can we start with Jennifer Egan’s book? Been dying to sell it. Any takers?