After two years of practically feeling nothing (or something I can’t name), I’ve opted to hit the field again, barefoot as always–if only to feel the ground better. It’s 2011 already and three years ago I was on lj writing about how alive I’d felt just doing random things. These days I feel like every moment is an invitation to reflect on which extreme wins: the happy or the sad. There can never be a middle ground and what’s strange is that I can’t seem to see past my nose. Lately I’ve been angry for no apparent reason. It feels as if I’m throwing glass shards all over the ground I walk on just to hurt those who march next to me or attempt to follow.
When did being jaded become so natural? And when did lying on the grass in some elsewhere field feel like such a huge imposition? Ok, maybe my occupation changes my willingness to lie on any sort of campus green–but seriously, I don’t lie to my students about my quirks so they might as well accept that sometimes “maam” likes to take a moment and sit outside where there’s sun and air and all sorts of happy things.
Some things I miss doing which I will work on this year are: running! (i wrote somewhere that i could run forever to no place in particular and it would be awesome to lose myself on the go), sitting on grass! (haven’t done this in ages and it helps, really. we need to feel grounded every now and then.) writing like i used to on lj (i get that wordpress appears more professional and everyone’s so keen on telling me how to sound but honestly, I can never get around to sounding the way they recommend. It isn’t for lack of trying either because some of my previous posts have been attempts at this and if anything, I bore myself to death while writing. That’s never a good sign.) Being nice to strangers (the perpetual scowling plus overall weight of all these existential questioning has made me ill fitted for commuting–or maybe I’m better at it now, depending on how you perceive it–because I hardly look at anyone anymore. I don’t make small-talk or exert any kind of effort to be nice at the very least. It didn’t bother me at first because everyone’s allowed to be a grinch every now and then but lately, ick! It isn’t even Christmas!)
This suddenly reminds me of the blurb on the Nicholson Baker book. In Mezzanine, he writes about simple, everyday things and is reflective throughout the book. I think I might read a bit of it before turning in because there might be wisdom there.
There might also be greater wisdom in biting the bullet and taking my sister’s unsolicited advice: Listen. It’s the hardest thing to do right now but I will try.