It has to do with the lack of focus. The conscious decision to not be disciplined enough to practice sitting still and being in the here and now. Natalie Goldberg wrote one of the best books out there on writing but honestly, her philosophy extends to more than just writing and I really wish I took her words to heart and applied them more often. Another reason why I’ve been quiet has to do with the cramming. I’ve discovered that I’m not the expert at it because, really, if you want to be good at what you do, you will never call yourself an expert at this–at least I won’t because my crammed work is very mediocre. I don’t know how I can stand it.
Yes, seriously. That’s the problem. I don’t understand how I can stand it.
But yes, to account for the silence, I’ve been on Tumblr mostly re-posting other people’s photos and things but I just wanted to share something I just wrote down because it means something to me. It’s about DC, the rain and my childhood…
I wish I were in DC right now because I’m dying to see the city again and think about how once upon a time my grandfather took us to DC just to see the cherry blossoms. I swear, it hadn’t occurred to me then that grandparents (ironically called ‘grand’ to begin with) could ever die. We watched those flowers for a good two hours or so and they were white or slightly tinted pink. I had never seen snow but this is how I imagined it would look: radiant and infinite but locked in this all to finite world that interrupts even the flowers and makes them wilt and die.
But really, past the memories of DC…there will be rain in Manila next week. A storm is brewing and while the water inspires the artist to create music, I’m genuinely hoping that the songs won’t be sad this time because last year, the storm brought in too many funeral marches.
Yeah. That’s all. I was re-blogging an NPR entry about songs to listen to when it rains and then this image of flowers came to mind instead of water falling from the heavens and just now I thought, Wow! Isn’t it a strange coincidence to think of flowers falling and funerals when it’s supposed to be raining with water and having a tune in your heart?