Here, now.

One too many sunrises have come to pass with me being under the covers dreaming. But lately I get to see them before I doze off or go to school and it’s a wonderful feeling to be up at daybreak. Lately though, I’ve been trying to resist the urge to take photos of every single sunrise. In class we talked about Baudrillard and his proliferation of signs. Somehow I think our connectedness online informs this decision to constantly record and re-produce the things we see, hear, do or say. But honestly, an old Matador travel article summed up how i felt over the matter by saying that we take too much away from life when we aren’t fully present to it. Taking a picture can sometimes defeat the purpose of being “in the moment.” So, I’ve retired my camera at these hours and decided to spend the first few minutes of my day reflecting on how wonderful it is to be here, right now.

So far, it’s been wonderful. Truly, madly, incredibly, wonderful.

i must be doing something right considering how everyday I feel like dancing! Seriously though, there’s some guilt left over to accompany the stress of this week. I have requirements that are still looming over me and I really should just sit and get to work. Throughout the sem I’ve been wondering aloud about whether or not I’m doing the right thing sitting in class or in the library reading when I should probably be out there making some money and being engaged in the world. It’s a hard feeling to shake off because everyone I know works in some way or another and I know even more that it unnerves me to be in school as a student since my first reaction when people ask what I do is to say, “I teach.” Crap. Of course not. I don’t teach yet. I’m thisclose but not exactly there yet. In any case, I was reading last night (for class and for fun) and that’s when it occurred to me that I was as happy as I could be right now.

It also helps that we’re friends and that I know we’ll be for a very very long time despite our messy history that’s sometimes smeared with some hurt. It makes a difference that we can talk again and even as I am being cryptic about all this, I’m sure some of you get it.

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