Default Settings.

I have no idea what this is about yet except that sometime today, I was asked out of the blue about my default setting, “what’s yours? Happy or sad?”

There is always something to be debated in my head when it concerns how I feel. Somehow I can tell that my mind and my heart pulse on different waves so when the time comes to involve one in the space of another, I become quite daft and unsure of my response. Before my head rationalizes, let me just say: I’m quite lonely. And it isn’t something I can just shake off. And it really is something that I just have to sort out alone.

It was only yesterday, while half-asleep and tired from a long day of walking that you egged me to see this. You said we could watch it together, you on one end of the line and me on the other. But it had to load so you said goodbye. I was anxious with sleep deprived eyes and briefly, before completely casting my ship off to lala land, you called. I pressed play and began to watch. At some point I heard things go silent on your end of the line. Turns out we had two different versions on at the same time. The music gave away my two part copy so you decided to pause yours. I watched attentively and sat through everything.

Then I started to cry so much so that it baffles me how you couldn’t have heard a thing. Maybe you did, maybe I’m a good silent crier.

Later it became obvious. I excused myself to claim the tissue and you asked if I was crying. I heard you smile past the telephone lines when I said yes. “I knew you’d like it,” you said.

I really did. It’s beautiful, after all. So achingly profound without trying too much to be.

Yet, despite my liking it, I’m not sure about how it makes me feel. Happy for a life with solid foundations and tons of joyful memories, yes. You did notice the last time I saw you that as a child I always looked happy in photos. I guess I’ll always have that and I’m happy for it. But then there’s all this water…all these memories drowning, the constant need to rebuild another floor higher and all this space I’ll have to live without you. It really makes me wonder why bother with the building in the first place. What is all this space for anyway?

But that’s my mind speaking a day later. Minutes after watching this film again, all I’m really feeling is this immense ounce of hope that maybe, just maybe, you watched this with me because at exactly 8:01, just before the birds flew off, you remembered just how happy we were together.

I hope.


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